Even Now

Even now:

even now, with over 30 years of commitment to forgiveness, and I’m still amazed at how often I lapse in my practice. There are still times, many really, when I play a subtle game of hierarchy, making slight distinctions in my grievances and resentments. Mostly this occur at a subconscious level, hidden until they arrive with a fresh flash of disturbance.

but not always,

as there are some hurts that I still seem to cherish for the gift of sorrow that they offer. These are the ones that give me an identity as a long suffering martyr at the hands of others. The refrain is -”you did this to me” and I believe it so deeply that it becomes a reality to me, a psychic scar that I show proudly to the world. Of course these can be subtle too, lying just beneath the surface of current thoughts until the right trigger comes to mind and I can then use it to advantage.

even as it hurts me.

so what I see here, finally, is that I’ve made a special relationship with my wounds, elevated them to highest status so that I can then blame the world for all that hurts me. A Course in Miracles reminds me in Lesson 5 that there are no small upsets, they are all equally disturbing to me peace of mind. Further on it declares that I cannot keep any particular upset and let others go — again, they are all equally disturbing.