My Birthday

My birthday:

today draws me a bit more towards self-reflection, being my birthday, and maybe it’s my age that brings me to look back and see things bittersweet, a past tinged with a certain sadness, a person mostly lost, wandering, and where this leads me now. Viewed through some metrics, society largely, my life has been largely unsuccessful, no real career to speak of, just low to mid management positions of retail, nothing that ever truly satisfied my spirit and barely paid the bills. My heart belonged to writing, drawn towards meditation and quiet contemplation while roaming trails through nature. I was a mystic in a busy world, but of course I didn’t know this — the only thing I knew was feeling misplaced, not belonging, and being afraid of disappointing those I loved.

it’s odd how a slightly shift of focus changes the view, maybe just bit, yet it’s enough to bring the world in focus. I was never really meant for a career, not the kind that’s expected. Maybe none of us are meant for anything, or at least nothing specific and it’s all a matter of luck and compromise, that by some good fortune a happy few find exactly what they’re called to do, dharma perhaps, and that others settle for a path that simply occupies their time, pays well, and provides them some time away to truly feel alive. None of these seemed to be my option, so a wandered, different jobs, relationships, pursuing things that…