State Of My Well Being

State of my well being:

many friends have reached out to touch base with me, asking how I am, two months now since my dad’s passing. I’m grateful to have such friends and equally so I’m thankful to be able to consider their thoughtfulness as an inquiry into the state of my well being, to really ask myself how I am at this moment and listen to whatever arises as an answer.

so how am I?

the answer seems to be that I don’t know, and I consider this deeply, not knowing how I am, and my apparent inability to be able to offer this as an answer to others. I find myself wishing that I could put this into words beyond this ready phrase, something that captures the complexities of really, truly, not knowing how I am right now.

but I can’t, and that’s simply because it’s the right and only answer — how I am is in flux and every moment is open to accepting the still fresh grief of losing my father and at once celebrating his life and everything that he has given me. I am lost in sorrow, yet sometimes joyful too, and all within a single instant. Most often I’m just quiet, reflective, allowing life to unfold at whatever pace it offers.

I don’t know how I am, can’t know, and none of us really ever do. We’re living, that’s how we are, and this includes everything that life brings to us, from sorrow, grief, and all the…