Unprepared

Unprepared:

and even now I find myself unprepared — after several years of a slow decline, multiple stays in the hospital for pneumonia, surviving stroke, cancer and many other ails; my father returns home today from his last hospital stay to hospice care. He’ll be made as comfortable as possible, his family present, and pass away when his time arrives. As his caregiver Iv’e dealt with this through all practical purposes, tending through the progression of illness, adjusting, carrying on. I know exactly what’s to come, a final breath won’t catch me by surprise. Yet still, somehow, I’m unprepared for this.

there is no easy way of letting go.

not that I thought there would be; I’m well versed in loss, from sitting at my mom’s bedside in her final days with Alzheimer’s (a disease of constant loss) to my own divorce that broke me to my core. Covid has wiped out my business and caused distance between myself and much that I love. With life loss continues and there’s grace in this acceptance.

and I do accept what’s coming, as I have with every previous loss.

but still I’m unprepared — this is a complete surrender of role, of my story as caregiver, son, and the last of family that truly cares for my well being. From this point on it’s all unknown. It’s such mixed grief, as much for myself too, losing that last vistage of…